Growing Pains

In my experience I've learned that there are different phases that most relationships go through.

1. The Honeymoon Stage: First couple months or first few years depending on how well you do at maintaining the "fire" in the relationship. This is when there's lots of hand holding and staring into each other eyes...

2. The rhythm Stage: When a since of normalcy develops as far as routines. This is when you learn what makes one another tick. Or this is when you become aware of how you can push the other buttons and how far to push.

3. The growing pains Stage: This is when one or both partners in the relationship are in a life transition. Where the rhythm stage is challenged! This is when one of both partners preferences or views changes in a way that could affect how the relationship flows for lack of a better term.

Obviously there are other stages that one goes though in a relationship but I would like to focus on the last of the three that I just outlined above. So without going into too much detail in my estimation I currently am in the growing pains stage of my relationship. I would like to say that for the most part during the time of our relationship have learned to communicate in an effective way. However, recently we've both become more vocal about how we see our future and how we would like to see the relationship progress. That said, we've been experiencing what I would like to call growing pains. For example last night we dealt with what I thought was as make us or break us topic. I won't disclose the topic because it isn't relevant to the point that I'm making.

Simply put, we both got a lot of things off our chest that we hadn't had time to discuss due to our work schedules. So rather than dealing with one issue at a time as it arose we had several topics that we needed to talk about and come to some sort of a resolution. I admire him for his ability to listen and take my feedback into consideration during our verbal exchange. However, to be honest neither of us wanted to talk about many of the things that we ended up discussing. But it had to be done. The out come of the intense conversation was a clearer understanding of each other's expectations. I was eager for clarity so I know I push his patience to the point of emotional exhaustion... This isn't my intent but I often will repeat myself to make sure we are both clear. And I will often say things like, "so let me put what you just said in my own words just to make sure there isn't any confusion". I must admit that this often irritates him because he feels that since we both speak English there shouldn't be room for misunderstandings or miscommunication. However, I strongly disagree because I feel that different words have dramatically different meanings from person to person. For example the word love. Some perceive love to be simply an emotion fueled by passion or "fussy" feelings. But I personally am of the opinion that love is an action word that should be seen rather than simply spoken. So if you say you love me for example I need to see evidence of that love in our daily interactions. I know that may sound like I'm a demanding person in terms of my expectations but I think that while I have expectations I never ask for something that I too am not willing to do myself.

I think that where many people run into trouble is when they discover that their partner isn't who they perceived them to be when they first started the relationship. It is only natural for two people to change to some degree during the course of the relationship. For example one person may be extra spiritual at the beginning of the relationship but for one reason or another falls into a "rut" spiritually. Then that same person may have some sort of experience that jump starts a new thirst for a closer walk with God. Now the other person for example may be really into say sports at the beginning of the relationship but as the relationship progresses the person becomes more involved in say community service as an outlet.

What I have observed among my peers is that many couples are not prepared for the changes that inevitably happen. Basically there is an unspoken assumption that both partners will remain exactly the same in appearance and temperament for the total duration of the relationship. But I personally feel that assumption is the cause of the demise of many relationships. Because people shift in their views and preferences. I also think that people are sometimes unaware of their own changes and think that its only one person that is changing when in fact both people are both changing in different ways.

I also have come to realize that not everyone that says they are happy for your happiness is telling the truth. For example, have you ever been around a negative person who seems to find fault in everyone's situation. They push their unhappiness on you by talking about the negative state of their relationship. I have been guilty of coming from such conversations thinking...."Man maybe I need to re-evaluate my relationship...maybe its not as good as I think". This I think can be dangerous to the fundamental foundation of ones relationship when you allow outside people and opinions to shape your opinion of your situation. Simply put, if she isn't happy in her relationship she makes you think that its not possible for you to be happy in your relationship. Or that you somehow are living in a reality where you are permanently wearing rose colored glasses where you don't see the issues that may exist due to being so "in love".

I also have witnessed grown men and women who are so unhappy in their lives that they can't stand the fact that you are happy. These people are almost impossible to be around because they make even the sunniest day seem dark and dreary just with their negativity! It is these people that personally really get under my skin because for some reason they feel that are relationship EXPERTS yet they aren't in a relationship, haven't been in a relationship, and aren't likely to attract a mate due to the repulsive state of mind they dwell in.

I think its sad when people get in such an emotional rut that they can't see the forest for the trees. I wanted to write about this because I felt like others might relate to what I wrote. I also wrote it as a form of therapy because for me writing is a release for me to vent or just express what may be going on in my mind.

I think its important to maintain communication between one another and not to take for granted the feelings of each other. I have learned quite a lot about myself in this relationship and how I deal with allot of things. I know I have lots more to learn but I hope you enjoyed my thoughts about some of the things I'm leaning though my relationship.

I would love to hear your experiences or comments! Thanks for reading!